One of the themes that comes up a lot in my counselling practice when working with clients is people feeling guilty or a sense of disloyalty when talking about how their parents let them down in some way when they were children. There is quite often a reluctancy to talk about and honour their own pain from childhood that was caused by their parents. The harm caused could have been intentional or unintentional and taken the form of physical or sexual abuse, emotional or physical neglect, rejection, absenteeism, or something else.
The statements I hear most often are:
“They put a roof over my head, fed and clothed me”
“They took me on outings and on holidays”
“I wasn’t battered or sexually abused, so I don’t know why I’m complaining”
“They did a lot for me as a kid and had to work hard to provide for me”
What I want to say to statements like this is: They were supposed to do all those things! That was their responsibility as your parents.
What parents are supposed provide is:
Unconditional love
Attunement to all your needs and feelings
Meet all your needs, except for ones that can only be met by others, such as other children, peers, teachers, medical professionals etc
Safety: stable home environment, protection from physical and emotional harm
Physical needs: food, clothing, water, shelter etc
Emotional needs: empathy, validation, emotional regulation, comfort, intimacy, discipline, quality time with spent with them
Provide the right conditions in order for you to grow, flourish and thrive
Allow you to grow into the person you are meant to be
Encourage and nurture your autonomy
What parents are not supposed to do:
Condition you to feel obligated to them
Expect you to meet their needs
Expect you to parent them or meet the needs of their neglected and wounded inner child
Give you age inappropriate responsibilities, such as expecting you to look after yourself when you are too young to do so
Expect you to parent or look after your siblings
Expect you to fulfil their hopes, dreams and expectations
Abuse or harm you in any way shape or form
Burden you with adult concerns
These lists are not exhaustive and there are many more items that can be added to both.
Your parents chose to raise you whether your conception was intended or not. They were not doing you a favour by parenting you; this was their role, their job, their responsibility.
You don’t actually owe your parents anything in return for parenting you. They have already received their reward; that is you!
Some families and cultures have children as an investment for their own future in the event they may need care or financial help in old age. Much like someone would invest in a pension scheme to see them through their retirement. This is not unconditional love. This is transactional, and a transaction that you have not consciously agreed to. This is based on fear and lack mentality, and is coming from a place of self preservation, not out of what’s best for the child.
Your parents do get something wonderful in return for raising you. They do get a reward which is priceless and that is theirs to enjoy and cherish for the rest of their life: And that is you.
Creating and bringing life into the world is a huge blessing and a privilege. As a parent you are entrusted with the responsibility of nurturing a precious new life into the unique and beautiful human being it is. You get to witness creation in all its glory, growing and evolving into the individual it is meant to be and making their own unique contribution to this world that only they can make. You get to watch in awe and wonderment as your child fulfils their potential (providing you have given them the right conditions to thrive) and be a part of this beautiful process.
You are a magnificent gift to your parents, whether you or they are aware of this fact or not.
Being a parent and having a child (children) gives you the opportunity to expand in your capacity to love and receive unconditional love and devotion from your child. You get to grow and expand as a human being through the challenges and joys, the trials and tribulations that parenting offers. You get to be a part of your child’s life and watch your child blossom, flourish and thrive. And know that you were a part of this process.
The rewards for being a parent are endless without the child having to “do or give something back in return”
You don’t owe your parents anything for what they have done for you. They have already received their reward in advance of what they have provided for you. They received you!
I just want to be clear that I’m not saying it’s ok to take your parents for granted or to not feel gratitude for what they have done for you or given you. When we don’t feel gratitude for something it is meaningless to us. That doesn’t feel good and blocks connection and love which causes us pain. My point is that you are not obligated to your parents to give back or to be indebted to them for the rest of their lives at the expense of you not living your life the way you want.
You are a gift to your parents,; a gift to your family; a gift to this world.
You are a blessing ✨