One of the things I’ve always struggled with in the spiritual and psychedelic community is this demonised concept of the ego. It is something I have found perplexing, probably because I didn’t really understand what an ego was, or rather what other people meant when they would refer to their egos. I would hear or read people talking about their ego like it was a separate entity to themselves. Almost like it was an external, independent energetic parasite that was wreaking havoc in their lives with the person being a helpless victim and having no control. The confusion came about because I knew the ego was deemed as being ones sense of self, yet when people would bemoan about their ego behaving in ways that would cause offence or separation from others, or other crimes against the self, I would wonder “If the ego is ones identity, who is the one complaining about the ego?” See the confusion? I just didn’t get it.
Fast forward to recent times and my understanding of the ego has become much more clearer. Or at least I think it has. Maybe others will disagree with what I believe the ego is, or what I observe as other people’s understanding of the ego.
What I see when people talk or complain about their ego is they are criticising their defence mechanisms. You never hear people complaining about how patient, or compassionate, or laid back they are, or any other seemingly positive qualities, that as far as I’m concerned are also part of the individual’s personality. The complaints arise when people notice they are being self righteous, insecure, jealous, angry, entitled, vain or any other qualities that are demonised in popular culture, and in particular the spiritual community. These things are passed off as being the ego where people usually (though not always) try to exile or get rid of these ‘unattractive’ qualities by trying to ignore or mask them. This is called spiritual by-passing and is an extremely toxic behaviour.
Demonising ones ego
Demonising your ego is not going to make it go away and doesn’t resolve anything. What you are doing is further fragmenting the self and contributing to your shadow. The shadow is an unconscious reservoir of rejected aspects of the self that are deemed unacceptable. These can be both positive and negative. Our shadow first starts to develop in childhood when we learn through other people’s responses to our behaviour what is acceptable and unacceptable. We split off parts of ourselves that we believe are unacceptable to others and exile them to the shadowlands of our psyche. This is in order to fit in and not be rejected. For example, it’s unfortunately still common in a lot of families and Western culture for it to be deemed unacceptable for boys/men to cry or to be sensitive and in touch with their emotions. Boys are told off, ridiculed and their masculinity questioned if they cry. In later life this repression of certain emotions can manifest in depression, anxiety, being emotionally unavailable and cut off, or extreme aggressive behaviours. Spoiler alert; which all get blamed on the ego. Extreme cases can result in suicide. It’s no coincidence that male suicide rates are far higher than that of females.
Your ego is not the problem
Your ego is not the problem. It’s how you relate to it and your own perception of it that is. It isn’t going anywhere, and if you do exile or by-pass your ego it will only manifest in other ways. Usually more insidious and destructive ways because you have exiled it to the unconscious. When this occurs this is called “The Shadow” You can’t address something you are not aware of or in denial of. It will keep causing problems in your life to make you aware of its presence so that you can integrate and become more whole. Make sense?
Your ego is a protector part of you. It is protecting you from becoming overwhelmed by an unhealed wound or trauma being triggered. We all have them and we have many protector parts. One wound can have many protectors forming a constellation around it. When people lump lots of different undesirable qualities or behaviours together and call it the ego what they are actually talking about are different parts of themselves. A protector is a part of you that has taken on a burden which manifests as a certain attitude, belief or behaviour in order to protect you from a wounded part. The wounded part is a child part that has a wound (trauma) that has not been healed and metabolised. Therefore in order to keep you functional and protect you from the pain of that wound the protector(s) will do what is necessary to stop the wound being triggered. This can usually involve behaving in a defensive or superior way.
Your ego is a child part
It’s common to hear people criticise their ego for being immature and childish, and to judge themselves harshly for it. The reason for this immaturity is because the part that they are referring to as the ego is in fact a child part. When we experience trauma in childhood and we are not given the right support to heal, our psyche fragments. The wounded part gets exiled to the unconscious and effectively frozen in time while another part (the protector or ego) takes up a burden of adapting to the situation to best ensure survival and to cope with the feelings it has not got an outlet or support for.
This is why the ego’s behaviour and attitudes are maladaptive because as children we are inexperienced in the ways of the world. Children don’t have the knowledge and inner resources that are available to us as adults. We don’t have the emotional resilience or maturity to manage things in a more functional and healthy way. As children we are completely dependent on our caregivers and if they are also wounded and dysfunctional we don’t have the ability, wherewithal or freedom to get the support, love and nurturing we need from somewhere else. Therefore we have to adapt to the situation at hand with the knowledge and information we have.
Rather than demonising your ego why not get curious about it? In reality it does have a positive intention for you, but as discussed above it goes about things in unsophisticated ways due to your level of emotional development at the time of wounding. Ultimately this rejected aspect of you is wanting to be integrated back into your internal family system, as well as the wounded part its protecting.
You can help your ego by doing what is necessary to release its burden so that it can fulfil its own potential that is dormant due to the burden it’s carrying. This means healing your wounds and addressing your trauma.
This can be done through inner child work. Below are some links to useful resources that can help you get started with this work. You can also do this work in therapy if this is something that you feel you need professional support with.
Hating or demonising your ego is not spiritual. In fact it is the opposite. Being spiritual is about unconditional love, compassion and acceptance. When you demonise our ego or scapegoat it you are rejecting aspects of yourself. You are the universe; you are God. To reject aspects of yourself is to reject the Divine. The universe will keep sending you situations to trigger those unhealed wounds in order to prompt you to take notice that a part of you needs love and healing so that you can integrate, be more wholly (holy) and fulfil your true potential. Remember that your ego is a child and all children need unconditional love and nurturing to flourish and thrive.
Free your inner child!
Inner child work can be incredibly challenging and painful. It’s not easy and can be a rough and turbulent road to travel. However it can be incredibly rewarding, liberating, beautiful, poignant, exciting and extremely fulfilling. The hard work is well worth the effort and your inner child (children) will thank you for it.
Love yourself; you’re awesome!
Useful Links: